Enchanted Chameleon

martha's not an expert either

I don't want to come off as a Bitter Betty saying this in response to Martha Stewarts recent interview in which she states that Bloggers are not experts.  I actually kind of agree with Ms. Stewart on the topic and voice myself by frequenting blogs that are professional and well edited. I think I naturally just prefer the content of those blogs and strive to make mine like them.  I do try to put a lot of work into my posts and never just post without my best editing and content. Blogs that contain the kind of editing and testing that Martha mentioned are more likely to succeed but aren't necessarily more expert. Possibly more funded. I'm positive Martha is an expert in that. As I see it, Martha also is not an expert at least not an expert in all she does. She's business woman first.  For example, Martha is not a health expert but I'm sure the group of well paid individuals that created her new vitamin line are experts. Personally, I won't be trying them. I prefer my vitamins and supplements from an expert not an opportunist.  

It's unfortunate that old Martha can't go back and visit young Martha.  Perhaps she might see what I see:  a pioneer of the blogging community.  No different in the beginning than the millions of homemakers, bloggers, crafters, etc. that supported her and her work and whom now have just been insulted by her.

XO
Suzanne 

While We're All Writing Letters :: Dear Miley, Sinead and Amanda

Dear Miley, Sinead and Amanda:

It appears that you are all peeling away layers of an onion in hopes of influencing another.  I thought I would peel one more in hopes of influencing you too.

Let's first step back a little.  Not to the Wrecking Ball video, not to the VMA's but not quite as far back as Nothing Compares 2 U or Madonna or even as far back as The Runaways with Cherie Curie wearing negligee on stage.  Let's just step back about 17 years to when I was 20.  It appears that although the players always change the name of the game is the same.  It doesn't matter if you are a rich and famous singer or a common gal like myself, the quickest trip to female empowerment is the same route from A to B:  Sexy.

It is a super power isn't it?  You feel hot, you feel bold, you feel free, no one is in charge of you, you can show the world how liberated and strong and powerful you are.  It draws attention.  Your empowerment goes up the more attention you get.  You are the centre of the Universe and no one can touch you because you are in charge.  It's essentially always this way with woman.  Our skirt lengths go up the more rights we have.  I sported my mini skirts, tiny tanks and chunky shoes, covered in glitter with my tongue and tongue ring hanging out.  By the way Miley, I invented having your tongue hang out like that.  Some may say it was Gene Simmons but I owned that looked up here in Canada.

In fact, I think it would have to have been your tongue wagging that first caught my attention.  I connected instantly with Miley the second that tongue came out of her mouth at the VMAs.  My tongue used to do the same thing when I was dancing at a club, sexing it up for people around me, showing people how uninhibited and free I am.  How 'comfortable' I was in my skin.  My first thought was I know that tongue.  I know the real feelings behind that behaviour and I felt sorry for you.  As the performance continued and my jaw dropped along with the Fresh Prince, I thought I would rather be watching a stripper lip sync.  Miley later confirmed that she had performed without choreography (and class, ahem) on purpose.  I had considered that, when I watched and I still didn't enjoy it.  It made me feel really sad for you.

The thing is, back in my day, I was a very sad and hurt girl.  I lacked confidence, I suffered quite privately from depression, I didn't feel the love in my home and my mind and my soul were mostly always disconnected from my body.  Pretty typical young adult stuff.  Oh, I also knew everything as I see Miley does too.  It took me years to realize that sexy for empowerment was not sustaining although, as Amanda noted and I agree, Madonna keeps trying to prove us wrong.  Empowerment can only be sustained by the sexiest part of our body, the one no one ever sees, the one we can't flash to a bartender for free drinks (or maybe we can), the one that can draw me in so well that I wouldn't even know you were standing in front of me naked if you are using it: your brain.

You see, when I look at Amanda, I don't see your clothes.  I am way too transfixed on the brilliant words that are coming out of your mouth.  If anyone reading this wants to know about this brilliance, check out Amanda's TED talk.  Seriously, Amanda, keep dressing that way or not dressing at all, and empowering people with your words and your music and your aboslute fucking brilliance in fact while we are at it, can you please raise my son for me.  Nothing Compares 2 U.

I recognize your argument Amanda I do.  I completely support women being able to wear whatever they want and not be abused for it in any manner.  We have something called a Slutwalk up here in Canada where we dress like whatever we define as stereotypical sluts and walk the streets between our igloos defending women, not making them victims of any kind of assault and making the way they dress any kind of excuse for those assaults, verbal, physical or sexual. I am all for it and have argued on a few occasions in defense of this exact argument that you make.

Except, that when I saw Miss Miley strutting the stage at the VMAs, sucking the moisture out the entire room with her foam finger, I was too busy watching the horror of another sad 20 year old girl on this planet taking a short cut to make herself look like she is unaffected by the world around here.  What I saw was just another Disney Princess trying to break free of the chains that bound her for so long trying to show everyone how different and original she is.  As original as Britney and Christina and every other girl that was under contracts and under thumbs for so long that the quickest route to finding themselves is to be the exact opposite of what they were for so long.  A to B.  Sex sells.

And it does, doesn't it.  I mean the entire fucking world is talking about Miley Cyrus!!  What I wouldn't do for that platform.  I'd make everyone drink green smoothies, teach them to knit and insist that Little House on the Prairie was on Netflix.  But of course, I'm not a 20 year old girl anymore and those weren't my 20 year old desires.  Now I see things a bit differently.  Like Sinead.  We see things through experience now.  The same amount of time that we've spent dealing with grown up shit is the same amount of time Miley has been on this planet.  I respect Sinead greatly for the words you have said and for coming out with your wisdom to Miley.  It isn't your fault that her reply was the equivalent of my 6 year olds argument when I'm sharing information that is for his own good which is repeating the word Poo 76 times and telling me how lame I am.  It's not a lot of 20 year old girls faults that they weren't taught better to respect their elders and it makes me just as sad as you Sinead, that she's just made the decision to learn the hard way the things we also learned the hard way.  Will that viscious cycle never end?

And truly, Sinead, I want to thank you.  The best part of all of this is the incredible dialogue that is stemming from this.  Let's talk about this!  I've been wanting to talk about Miley since the VMAs. Is she OK?  Was that for real? And Amanda, great letter, thank you also for extending this conversation about things that need to be said about how women dress.  But.  Yes, there's a but.  I'm a mom.  But what if you just empowered a woman that really just needs some help and sent her further into a pit?

Maybe it isn't that the record producers are using Miley.  Maybe these really are her ideas, and I kind of believe they are cause I did some crazy shit that made total sense when I was her age, and maybe it isn't that we need to empower woman to be so free with their dress and thank Miley for paving the way because what I see is a girl that is drowning.  If her head wasn't already shaved I would say that she is on her way to a crazy night where she shaves her head, or does something else that Disney Princesses do when they go off the deep.  Honestly, that's where I see things.  I see a woman with no space.  A woman that is hurting and can't hurt privately.  I see a woman that thinks if she just keeps it up and turns it around and pokes fun of herself like Miley did on SNL that she's better than, and more powerful than, and smarter than.  She thinks its her ideas.  She thinks she's in control.  Funny enough, I think that people that poke fun of themselves so openly are just as big people pleasers as any other.  The world wants you to poke fun of yourself.  People like those people better than the ones that take themselves seriously.  I mean, look at Sean Penn. You are no more free and in control of your actions than a puppet.

Miley Cyrus literally has the world at her feet.  Following the VMAs, CNN posted her for the sake of follows, and clicks, the world was Tweeting and accidentally Twerking (see Stephen Harper). In the meantime, people in Korea, musicians like Miley, were getting senselessly executed and no one was talking about that.  They are talking about you.  And what did you do with that?  You rode a wrecking ball and licked a sledge hammer.  Miley you are gorgeous.  Seriously, fucking gorgeous.  And your body, whew, is amazeballs.  Seeing so much of it makes me think of something Goldie Hawn once said.  Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. Whoops. Sorry, that wasn't Goldie.  Goldie Hawn once said this about keeping it interesting in the bedroom with Kurt Russell.  She said she never shows it all.  It's sexier that way.  It adds mystery and him wanting her.  Sexy and clever.  I'm listening Goldie tell me more.  Miley, take note, leave something to the imagination.  

This Goldie stuff ties in with Amanda's piece about manipulating men.  Sexy is a super power and it is mens kryptonite.  Do we want to manipulate men?  I thought we wanted their respect.  Or is that just me.  When I empower myself the long way, I have that respect and I am sexy as hell. Fully clothed. Manipulate away.

But I don't.  At least, I don't anymore.  I suppose every woman might want to try that foam finger on for size to see if it fits.  I tried it and again, not sustaining.  I'm big on sustainable energy. And if I had to keep up what I had been doing when I was 20 now in order to keep the world around me interested than I am pretty doubtful that I would be enjoying much of my life.  I think in fact, it would have turned on me and I'd be pretty fucking bitter that people never just liked me the way I was.  But if you are just putting on publicity stunt after publicity stunt, how will anyone ever really know who or what you are.

In the end ladies, I believe our goal should be to connect the world further.  Dressed or not. Take care of one another.  I supposed Miley might not understand that had been what Sinead had started out to do.  Amanda as well.  I think she tried to connect and protect both of you.  And now, here am I, trying to do the same.

I'll tell you what else I am doing ladies, and it is just for woman like you and those around me and my son.  I'm trying to raise a gentleman.  A respectful, caring, compassionate man that respects women.  All of them.  Dressed or undressed like Miley.  With or without eyebrows like Amanda.  A survivor like Sinead.  Respect.  RESPECT.  Fuck what we wear.  If you respect yourself from the inside out: get support, make positive decisions, make positive changes, get help, talk it out, take time for yourself, whatever it is to make you whole, than more than half of my job is already done and then wear whatever you want to wear because people stop looking and start listening.  It is easy to respect someone that already respects themself.

And another layer of the onion is gone.  No more tears.

XO.
Suzanne

unbridled: a memoir :: ec review

FIrst, I want to start off by saying, I really wanted to love this book.  But I didn't.  Second, I didn't want to sit around bashing it in a review.  However, this is my third attempt at trying to review this book and I still don't have a lot of great things to say.  I've even Googled reviews of this book to see if anyone else out there felt the same as me and there aren't (maybe they aren't going through divorces like I am??)  So I guess it's time to just let her rip!  Here goes:  Unbridled: A Memoir by Barbara McNally - your first bad review (take it as a compliment).

Barbara McNally was a wife of prestige.  Married to the right guy, living in the right home with daughters, money, horses, entertaining, etc., from the outside you would think she had the whole package.  So why did Ms. McNally end up in the arms of another man and another man and another man?

Probably cause it wasn't working.  I mean, bottom line, that's why marriages don't usually work. What we do to express that is what makes the difference.

From there the book and author embark on a Eat Pray Love-esque journey of self discovery. From Ireland to Jamaica, riding horses to smoking weed, a one night stand with a handsome falconer to making lunches for school girls that are trying to keep themselves out of prostitution, the author leaves no stone unturned in her hope to find herself.

What could be wrong with that?

Although I credit Ms. McNally for her honesty, I find a lot of weakness in between the lines.  She went off to Ireland to discover her roots and was done in what seemed like less than a week.  She wanted to help the girls in the school in Jamaica as best she could which meant buying them things they needed for the school and paying for a a horseback riding adventure on the beach, all of which is on a credit card that I'm sure she doesn't pay for.  Call me crazy, but when I'm reading a book I want to fight for the character and there just wasn't any fight in me for Barbara, except to finish the book and move onto something more interesting.  I thought she was totally immature, codependent and vague about her responsibilities both financially and personally in her 'impulsive liberation'.  As a 37 year old woman that has just had the most challenging year, marriage ended, became a working, single mom, gave up my business and lifestyle, I'm looking for a heroine that has had to face a challenge or two that doesn't just involve whipping out a credit card and not sleeping with another man.  At what point does she STOP acting like an 'impulsive' teenager and grow up?

I guess at some point she does because in the end she seems more settled in herself.  There is no love at the end of Unbridled except for the love of oneself.  That is refreshing to read considering her track record.  And the author goes on to start up a website and blog that supports other women in their endeavours and passions.  I wouldn't consider her to be a modern feminist in any sense of the terms, but helpful, supportive and appreciative of other woman, and inspiring according to everyone else's review of the book, yes.  Yes she is.  

Regardless, it does take strength to go on when a relationship ends.  She made the best of her strength going against her fears when it all came crumbling down.  I'm not sure that it was memoir worthy, however, it was her journey and she took advantage of the opportunities that arose, learned from experience and has carved out an exceptional looking life for herself.  In the end, she is a success, even if her book wasn't in my opinion.

For more on Barbara and what seems to be much more improved, thoughtful and inspiring writing, please visit her blog Unbridled Freedom.

Disclosure:  Enchanted Chameleon was provided a free copy of the above mentioned book in exchange for a review.  Opinions expressed are my own.

ec editorial :: flight the movie

I did a lot of movie and TV series watching over the summer.  The goal had been to spend as much time with my dad and my dad was mostly at home.  I tapped into a goldmine of recent releases and entire seasons of TV shows that I wanted to watch at the local library.  I was practically there every day.

I borrowed the film Flight one day and watched it with my dad.  It was an entertaining film.  I'm not really a fan of Denzel, I don't find him overly fascinating but he always does a convincing job. Perhaps acting out of control like the character, was a stretch for his work and that's what fascinated people so much about the film.  In the end, I don't care to recommend it or not.  I just saw it and that's that. 

Yet, there was something that bothered me and really it's not so much to do with the film but the general depiction of alcoholics in general.  I read some reviews of the film and most people that considered the film unrealistic were referring to the plane crash.  I saw the most unrealistic part to be the alcoholism.  And I don't say that in the sense that an excessive use of alcohol doesn't happen and no one drinks that way, I just mean that, it wouldn't have been an interesting film if it didn't show what in most cases alcoholism looks like.

About a week after I saw this film I watched the film The Master with Joaquin Phoenix, who was also an alcoholic.  Again, he was a worst case scenario as he was drinking jet fuel and paint thinner.  My question, is does the extreme depiction of alcoholics make us blind to what alcoholism looks like in everyday life?

I looked up Alcohol Abuse on the internet and this is what I found:  Excessive use of alcohol and alcoholic drinks.  How vague.  Thanks for nothing.  On the website for the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA) things got a little more specific:

Moderate or 'low-risk' drinking:

For men:
No more than 4 drinks on any single day AND no more than 14 drinks per week

For women:
No more than 3 drinks on any single day AND no more than 7 drinks per week

Even within these limits, you can have problems if you drink too quickly or have other health issues.

I still felt that this was not enough.  In my research I was starting to wonder if all doctors and specialists definitions to alcoholism made it so they might not consider otherwise.  It reminded me of how doctors and naturopaths diagnose thyroid problems differently.  Doctors use a much smaller spectrum on a higher scale of symptom before they consider a patient to having a thyroid problem whereas naturopaths use a broader spectrum, starting much lower in the dysfunction of the thyroid, diagnosing thyroid problems much earlier.  Are we therefore too late in our definition of alcoholics?  Does our medical system set us up to be too far gone before we treat the problem?

I eventually came across this article on Wikipedia on the High Functioning Alcoholic.  A High-Functioning Alcoholic is a form of alcoholism where the alcoholic is able to maintain their outside life such as jobs, academics, relationships, etc. all while drinking alcoholically.

Here is the list of signs and symptoms:

This list is intended to be used as a guide and not as strict diagnostic criteria.^[1]

1. Drinking patterns

• When they have one drink, they experience a craving to have more and cannot predict what their alcohol intake will be
• They obsess about the next time they will be able to drink alcohol
• They behave in ways that are not characteristic of themselves while drunk and continue to repeat these behaviors and patterns
• Surround themselves socially with heavy drinkers
• Getting drunk before arriving at social engagements
• Setting drinking limits (e.g., only having three drinks, only drinking three days per week) and not being able to adhere to them
• Driving drunk and not getting arrested or involved in an accident
• Always having to finish an alcoholic beverage or even another person's unfinished beverage
• Using alcohol as a reward
• Having memory lapse due to excessive drinking (blackouts)
• Taking breaks from drinking and then increasing alcohol consumption when they resume drinking after a long period of time
• Not being able to imagine their life without alcohol in it

2. Denial

• Have difficulty viewing themselves as alcoholics because they do not fit the stereotypical image and because they feel their lives are manageable
• Avoid recovery help

3. Professional and personal life

• Well respected for job/academic performance and accomplishments
• Can maintain a social life and intimate relationships

4. Double life

• Appear to the outside world to be managing life well
• Skilled at living a compartmentalized life (i.e., separating professional, personal and drinking lives)

5. Hitting bottom

• Experience few tangible losses and consequences from their drinking
• May hit a bottom and not recognize it clearly

I found this list of signs and symptoms much more informative.  (Further characteristics and risks can be seen in this article called, Not Just A Drunk - The Signs and Risks of High Functioning Alcoholics.)  Can you imagine the person that drinks everyday for 30 years, experiences few tangible losses and never hits rock bottom and never looks like a stereotypical alcoholic.  Essentially, isn't actually drunk.  As I see it, that person will end up with the health repercussions of alcoholics - twice the risk of cancer, twice the risk of heart disease, twelve times more likely to die of cirrhosis of the liver, three times more likely to die in a road traffic accident or six times more likely to commit suicide.

In fact, when I began my research into High Functioning Alcoholics, I found some eye-opening statistics:  In a landmark study in 2007 by the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, the researchers categorized alcoholics into 5 subtypes: 20% are the "functional" subtype, 32% are the "young adult" subtype, 21% are the "young antisocial" subtype, 19% are intermediate familial subtype (middle-aged with mental illness), and only 9% are of the "chronic severe" subtype, fitting the stereotype of the low-bottom alcoholic. Other additiction experts estimate that between 75% and 90% of alcoholics are high-functioning. (Psychology Today, January 21, 2009)

And how many alcoholics are actually reported?  Well, mainly the ones that are drunk all the time and fit the stereotype I assume.  In Canada, that is 4% of the population or 1.4 million Canadians. In the US it is 18 million Americans or about 6% of the population.  

And what about the personal relationships?  Are they ever really completely connected to those around them?  Or is there really just a giant of bottle of something between the alcoholic and their loved ones?  I would assume the latter.

I guess my biggest interest is this: does the high functioning alcoholic (the one that has a drink or two or more, everyday for 30 years) have the same affect on their children as does the stereotypical alcoholic (like the one in the film Flight)?

From what I have read, it is not different.  There is always a large elephant in the room when it comes to alcohol abuse or just consistent, continuous drinking.  I found this wonderful article entitled, The High Functioning Alcoholic at Psychology Today and it explains in great detail the life affected by an HFA.  For loved ones it is extremely confusing and there is often an emotional disconnect with the HFA regardless of how well they function.  In fact, as predicted, it's probably harder to intervene with an HFA because it can really seem like there isn't a problem since they don't fit the stereotype and might just fall past the definition of alcoholic based on number of drinks per day or week.  A good predictor if you have been raised by an HFA is the characteristics of adult children of alcoholics:

Adult children of alcoholics:

:: guess at what normal is

:: have difficulty in following a project through from beginning to end.

:: lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

:: judge themselves without mercy.

:: have difficulty having fun.

:: take themselves very seriously.

:: have difficulty with intimate relationships.

:: overreact to changes over which they have no control.

:: constantly seek approval and affirmation.

:: feel that they are different from other people.

:: are either super responsible or super irresponsible.

:: are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that loyalty is undeserved.

:: tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self loathing, and loss of control of their environment. As a result, they spend tremendous amounts of time cleaning up the mess.

I don't think it uncommon at all to know people that might display a few of these characteristics. I assume that an adult child of an alcoholic might never understand why they just don't fit in or feel normal and go through their whole life not understanding that it was the HFA in their lives and not them that warped them into the person that they are.  In fact, seventy six Americans, about 43% of the US adult population, have been exposed to alcoholism in the family.  Almost one in five adult adult Americans (18%) lived with an alcoholic while growing up (consider that these statistics are reflecting stereotypical and more obvious alcoholics).  There are an estimated 26.8 million children of alcoholics in the US.  Preliminary research suggests that over 11 million are under the age of 18.  

When I think back to my original inspiration for this article I realize in some ways that Denzel's character was in fact a High Functioning Alcoholic.  I found this article written about the HFA and the film Flight:

I was struck by the power that the term “drunk” had in this movie.  Whip had created an identity and façade of success and honor by way of his career.  Therefore, when a wealthy owner/investor of the plane held a meeting following the crash and referred to Whip as a “drunk”, it echoed in my mind.  That term is so often used with lower functioning alcoholics and it was refreshing that this character leveled the playing field for Whip and others like him.  Additionally, Whip’s son, in an enraged tone, called him a “drunk” and the audience began to see how Whip’s alcoholism had negatively impacted his family for many years—they were not blinded by his success and were able to see Whip’s alcoholism clearly.

I guess that might be where I and the author of this article disagree.  Everyone seems to know that he is a drunk.  His wife and son aren't with him anymore because of that reason.  Yes, I agree he is High Functioning, he flies planes with high levels of alcohol in his system but it seems more to me that everyone is just covering up for him, hoping that he will stop then wondering if he really has a problem.  I guess that just adds another layer to what the definition should be for an HFA or an alcoholic.  Or maybe what this movie really represents is how truly difficult it is to intervene with an alcoholic of any type and how important hitting bottom is in the recovery of an alcoholic.  Look at all the things that happened to Denzel before he actually hit bottom and those are the events that took place in just a short time.  Bottom was not years before when his wife and son left him.  If we are looking at the bigger picture for the film Flight, the best treatment is to treat those affected by the alcoholic.  Nicole left, the family left. Enabling is probably the alcoholics worst enemy.  The lawyer and the Union rep enabled.  If those around are treated for the alcoholics disease, there become boundaries and a new language for interacting with the alcoholic which can hopefully contribute to a bottom as opposed to enabling.

In the end, I think the average High Functioning Alcoholic would have made a boring movie.  But at least this one got some of us talking.   

For more information on the above topic please check out the website High Functioning Alcoholic  and/or Al-Anon or Alateen.  I hope that this helps someone.  

XO,
Suzanne

ec editorial :: victim blaming

I walked into the kitchen of my parents house where the talk radio was playing for no one as it usually does.  Callers calling in voicing an opinion that was muffled and not really making sense since I walked in mid sentence.  I heard the words rape and fault but it wasn't until the radio host spoke the following words that it had my full attention.

"A passed out drunk woman at a party is like a flat screen TV left in an unlocked car".

It took me a full few minutes to really gather my thoughts about what he has just said.  I took to FB and Twitter with the comment.  I checked what radio station it was on and filed a complaint to the CRTC.  I brought the comment to the attention of Slutwalk Toronto and from there on a few others via FB and Twitter.  I spent some time that day and evening commenting and thinking about the comment unable to shake the horror I am experiencing in having heard it and one thought continues to go over in my mind:  Couldn't he have at least said the car was locked? 

I further investigated the rest of the show that I had missed.  When I finally found a podcast with the show the last 10 minutes of it that included the part with his comment was cut from it.  If it was because it had garnered complaints or they had cut it for time reasons it was not clear.  I searched Twitter and the internet for more people making complaints about the comment and came up with only a couple.  Either the show isn't a popular one and no one heard it or no one was offended and complaining. 

A 16 year old girl is drunk at a party and passes out and two football players raped and passed her around.  That's the gist.  Perhaps you are more familiar with Serena Williams take and shame on the situation.  PS. Don't apologize for getting bad press as nothing is more annoying than a celebrity that gets caught and values public opinion enough to apologize.  Own it.  That goes for you too Reese Witherspoon.

I guess what disturbed me the most about the situation was having to justify to someone on FB victim blaming.  I'm most annoyed by his comments.  He made reference to taking personal responsibility which in the end to me is just another way of blaming the victim.  The words common sense were even used and that threw me over the edge.  For me to take personal responsibility I must be careful what I drink, who I drink with, where I drink it, never pass out, never dress inappropriately (whatever that means).  I should live in fear of parties, bars and alcohol because there will always be guys that rape.  I just need to avoid getting raped.  It's moments like these that I really wonder about the world that we live in.  Why is this the one topic that people can't seem to get past the act of sex and view it as the violent act that it is?  Why isn't rape black and white like murder?

The radio host was mainly suggesting that we prepare our daughters and women.  Rape proof them, so to speak.  During my return to the podcast I was thrilled to hear a woman call in and point out what we really should be doing - rape proofing our sons and men.  I mean, I prefer to get to the real cause of the disease instead of just putting a bandaid on it and treating it for it's symptoms and not the cause.  So let's be real here, it's not what women are wearing or not wearing or that the girl that was raped was an 'unlocked car' just asking for it by being unconscious, it's what the men or in some cases women, are doing.

To me rape is a form of power.  A power lost in time before and therefore power gained in the act of rape.  A bully.  And where are bullies bread - powerlessness.

Let's look at some stats and see how common sense can prevent us ladies from rape:

::  One of every 17 Canadian women is raped at soome point in her life

::  A woman is sexually assaulted by forced intercouse every 17 minutes in Canada

::  Girls and young women between the ages of 15-24 are the most likely victims

::  80% of assaults happen in the victim's home

::  70% of rapes are committed by a perpetrator who knows the victims (relative, friend neighbour, colleague or other acquantaince)

::  Approximately one half of all rapes occur on dates

::  83% of disabled women will be sexually assaulted during their lifetime

::  15% of sexual assault victimes are boys under 16

::  half of all sexual offenders are married or in long term relationships

::  57% of aboriginal women have been sexually assaulted

Call me crazy but it seems pretty impossible to protect yourself every where you normally are and are with as well as the obvious where you should expect to be raped.  Common sense?  My fucking ass.

You want to know what I don't want to hear - is that she was asking for it.  In any shape or form of the phrase.  Whether she put herself in a compromising position, took a drink from a stranger, cause she was wearing something slutty or not, cause she was an unlocked car with a flat screen TV in it.  I want to hear about what makes a rapist rape.  I want to hear about the messed up shit that goes through rapist mind.  I want to hear more about what lead to the need for a violent act against a woman and NOT HOW SHE TRIGGERED another to rape her.  I want to know how the world will take personal responsibility for the rapists that are in the world and how we can fix it together.  

YOu want to know why I let my son play with dolls?  So he experiences some fucking humanity.  YOu want to know why I let my son cry and scream and express his feelings when he is upset?  So he isn't a bottle of rage by the time he is old enough that he takes it out on other people.  Boys that play with dolls develop paternal instincts and boys that express their feelings learn to talk about them and deal with them.  Keep my kid close. Keep the family's morals and ethics ahead of the game so when they are teenagers they question the bad stuff and they trust you to help them through it when they do screw up.  Keep an open relationship in which I can discuss the difference between rape and sex.  Perhaps all just hopes and intentions at this point since my son is only 6 at this time, but to me all still worth fighting for.  The goal is to raise a gentleman who is caring and compassionate because the only caring and compassionate guys that rape are liars.  Wolves in sheep clothing.  Not Neanderthals like the radio host suggested.  Super smart and manipulative.  Paul Bernardo's and Karla Homolka's, perfect suburban couples that rape and torture young women.  You can see my distress in trying to rape proof a woman?  Who the fuck couldn't be a rapist.  Therefore let's start with the education of men and women in what a sexual experience should and shouldn't be.   

Sure many will still fall through the cracks, but isn't the point of talking about something like the rape of this girl publicly to use the venue of radio to stop victim blaming?  The more we talk about how bad cigarettes are for us the more smoking decreases.  THe more we talk about environmental problems the more programs pop up to help recycle and be green.  The more we talk about the rapist and his crime the more we try to fix the problem before it happens.  And to all the old school parents and people out there that are not letting their daughters dressed like that out of the house, maybe stop your sons too.  I mean, personal responsibility for ones actions goes both ways.  That one goes especially out to the asshole that called into the show saying his adult children know better.  Says you and your strong opinion till one of your children is the victim.  You digust me. 

Saying that there will always be rapists and we need to take personal responsibility to make sure it doesn't happen to us is not only victim blaming but it is full on cowardice.  It shows me that you are too afraid to take on societal norms or opinions and fight to see them change.  It shows me that you are a victim.  It shows compliance and a "if you can't beat em, join em" attitude.  Not that you'll go out and rape someone, but you're too chicken shit to take on something bigger than you.  It is weak to say that there will always be rapists and to therefore be rape proof when you go out.  You're not seeking to see a better world for anyone, you're just rolling over in the shit that's surrounding you.

And to Jim Richards, radio host of NewsTalk 1010 Radio in Toronto - breaking into a LOCKED car is forced entry and so is rape. ALWAYS.  There are no unlocked cars when it comes to rape.  

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