Enchanted Chameleon

~ rising up, rising above ~

My experience as a parent has been interesting lately.  Besides the fact that I have gone from stay at home mom to full time working mom, my son is a different little boy now.  He's 5.  He's school age.  He's taller, bigger, stronger, more talkative (lord love a duck is he talkative), more demanding, more loving, more everything and everything else in between.  With this change from toddler to boy, I've recently noticed a change in his interactions with others.  It hasn't been so much his interactions with his school mates that caught my attention, there is the usual little one that kind of gives all the children a run for the money, but his interactions with other children, most often children that are just a little older than him, unknown to him at the skating rink, the swimming pool and most recently the hockey game that makes an uncomfortable feeling rise up in me.  Mostly what I see is, C being his usual self.  Talking away, lost in his imagination, chatting it up with new friends, being super social and trying to make the crowd laugh.  What I don't see anymore is the, 'oh what a cute little thing' look that always came along with him being a baby or toddler.  Now what I see is, little boys on skates trying to get away from him, little girls rolling their eyes and whispering and trying to get away from him and children making him sit in a seat away from them.  

Do you hear that?  That's the sound of my heart breaking.

When I was little I was an oddball.  I didn't know popular music, I didn't dress like everyone else, I didn't think like everyone else and I certainly wasn't included with everyone else.  I didn't realize there was anything wrong with me.  Truly, there wasn't, but it sure as heck felt like there was after a long time of not being included in things and after that while I did my best to fit in, to not much avail.  My experience of this really didn't start until I was preteens but there were still happenings of it that I recall as early as kindergarten.  I wasn't equipped with strong role models of self confidence at home so I sure as heck didn't know how to stick up for myself, in fact the only way I was able to cope was to usually break down and cry.

And now, the thing that I have most dreaded about being a mama to C, has begun.  

Sometimes when I'm close enough, when these little happenings occur, I make eye contact with the children that he is interacting with and I see it in their eyes.  There is guilt or fear when they look back at me like I'm going to call them on their behaviour and get them into trouble.  They know that they are being mean.  But I don't interfere... much.  Sometimes my little eye to eye is enough to satisfy myself, to know that they know, that I KNOW.  

But oh, what to do about the uncomfortable feelings?  Obviously I have unresolved issues about being bullied.  Most likely because in some ways as an adult I still allow myself to be bullied.  I'm working on those.  Believe me.  But to see my little babe, still oblivious to the looks, to the ignorance.  I don't want to be a giant mama bear that takes away his power to resolve the situation and learn how to cope and take care of himself.  But boy oh boy does mama bear want to maul those little out of line cubs.  

So it is my job to rise above.  Because there is nothing wrong with C.  He's an oddball perhaps by some societal norm, or simply because he's being raised by a reigning oddball, he doesn't see that and I would prefer to keep him exactly as he is and is meant to be because after all the years of conforming to fit in, I found happiness as an adult by returning to my oddball roots.  I don't want him to lose touch, ever.  One thing I truly miss as an adult that I gave up as a child to conform and fit in was my naivety.  I see C is still pure and strong with the force of naivety.  I want to protect that, and if anything model the best behaviour that I can so that oddball or not, he makes strong choices from a place of confidence and not fear or wanting.  

Most of all I want him to continue to look at those other children the same way that he does now. With love.  He sees so much goodness in them.  Perhaps he is just much stronger than I am or was.  Regardless, I want to keep that.  Screw the bitterness that I have lived with for so long. Together we will learn together to keep our integrity, love the planet and all the people on it.  XO.  S

~ anti bully ~

Today in Canada it is Pink Shirt Day.  Pink Shirt Day is an anti-bully movement started in Nova Scotia when a boy was bullied for wearing a pink shirt on the first day of school.  I'm very passionate about the anti-bully movement.  I was bullied.  I was an easy target: sensitive and different but there is never an excuse for it.

Except, in the past few years I've done some thinking.  I finally got over what the girls did to me when I was young.  It took a really long time.  It took being a parent.  I noticed in my own son that if we used little threats, 'no TV if you don't do such and such" that he didn't learn to do such and such.  He learned to use threats with us and his friends and others around us.  "I won't go to bed unless you do such and such".  The bullied becomes the bully.  I have become extremely careful to not use these tactics.  I want to raise a caring and compassionate little boy.  I have to slow down, get enough rest and really tune in to my sons behaviours to understand why he acts the way he acts and to meet him without power struggles.  And it's so worth it.

So if you're wondering what you can do to help support the anti-bully movement, to see a world where our hopeful children are not killing themselves because of isolation and hatred, the place to start is in our very own homes.  We can change the learned behaviours that we teach our children to compassion and caring.  Our world and our future depends on them.

My absolute favourite resources for parenting:

Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn

How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Fabor

These are the resources that I am using to ensure my language and my parenting best supports a child and a parent with the least amount of power struggles.  Win-Win-Win.  XO.  S

~ snow play ~

We were at this same spot tobogganing a year ago.  I love seeing the changes in C that come from repeating this experience a year later.  Last year we took it slow and easy.  This year he was on his own like a rocket down the hill.  Last year he experienced it as a 4 year old and this year he is 5.  This year he can walk up the hill and pull a toboggan and run down the hill and so much more.  These are the experiences that my faith are built on.  That it is possible to just step back and let life take its course.  To be a buffer, and set some boundaries and otherwise allow my little one to show me what he can and can't do.  What he is or is not ready for.  No training required. If I'm feeling stuck that I'm not getting through to him or I think I need threats or bribes or what have you to get him to do something, I just need to think about a day like this.  He'll get there when he is ready.  Children truly have all the potential in the world, they just need a solid foundation to stand on, and that's where we come in.  So awesome.  XO.  S

~ a little downtime ~

C's been a little under the weather the past couple of weeks.  I've been trying my best to keep him close, home from school and rested on days that I have off and also to listen to him and respect his instincts. Not an easy task by any means.  All last week he didn't want to go to school and now that the week has passed and he didn't say the same this morning I realize I'm getting closer to understanding that staying home was in fact temporary and because of how he felt, not because he never wanted to go back to school again, like he said.  I would have been safe to follow his instincts.     

We had lots of catch up time, or at least that's how it felt.  I let him relax on the cozy chair and watch a bunch of TV.  That's what I feel like doing when I feel yucky so I respected the same for him.  I caught up on some knitting and other work that's been lingering while he overdosed on Magic School Bus.  As soon as other things, like making Valentine Days cards or helping papa with the trailer reno came up he was raring to go and the TV watching slowly dissipated.  It was a nice cozy few days.  It was just missing a warm fire.  

Although I'm feeling a little awkward and out of sorts from our current lack routine and rules that I essentially tossed for the sake of observation and experimentation to see what my child would initiate and respond to, it was worth it.  I learned a lot last week and again am feeling a little more connection and understanding.  There are a lot more "mama I love you's" and a lot less power struggles, so I think that I may be onto something. Some day I hope to find the balance between following the direction that the child leads us and the essential parental boundaries to keep us feeling comfortable and fulfilled.  I feel that I am on the right track and that is satisfaction enough.  Oh, and there can never be enough child initiated "mama, I love you's".  XO.  S

~ homeschooling our children, unschooling ourselves ~

"That's why Christian could become a radio engineer at thirteen.  No one ever told him he was too young to consider doing the work.  He's grown up doing things when he felt ready to do them.  He's not waiting for someone to tell him he is old enough or knows enough to do particular tasks.  This means that he is really living in our community"  Alison McKee, Homeschooling Our Children, Unschooling Ourselves

Three gifts that I would love to give my son:

1.  A life lived without the fear of failure

2.  A life lived with a positive sense of self worth

3.  A life lived to the fullest

Oh the dicotomy between Waldorf and unschooling.  This book has opened up Pandora's unschooling box for me.  I had some serious plotting thoughts yesterday morning on my walk with Georgia about how to keep my jobs, have another baby and stay home with C after another year of kindergarten at the Waldorf school.  Lots can happen on the trail with all that fresh air.  

The least to say that I really enjoyed the story of Alison McKee and her family's story of unschooling in her book, Homeschooling Our Children, Unschooling Ourselves.  A teacher herself, with all the same concerns and insecurities as me when it comes to homeschooling.  Will a child be motivated to learn math?  Will they get into college?  Will a child really learn all they need to know without a plan or lessons?  Will they turn out normal in the end?  Alison McKee says so and her children are the proof in the pudding.  

I would probably be freaking out every time my child was inspired to go in a certain direction only to change their mind and go in another one a few short months later.  But this book reveals to me that not only does that not spell flake as I have been so callously labelled with for such behaviour, but this might actually be the secret ingredient to a child that lives without the fear of failure.  No really, true story. And when I think about it, it makes sense.  They only learn things they feel like learning.  They don't get reprimanded for not handing in an assignment.  They don't get bad grades for having to do work they aren't interested in anyway.  Sounds pretty awesome to me!!  

In a way, these past few years I have been unschooling myself.  I picked up the knitting book and needles and just tried, and I signed up for guitar lessons and I signed up for mastery acting classes.  I started sewing and writing and taking pictures and this year I'm devout to get myself back into fashion and style.

THESE ARE ALL THE THINGS I GAVE UP TRYING TO DO SO THAT I COULD DO SCHOOL.

Let me repeat.

I used to sew and knit but because fashion design wasn't a University degree I took psychology instead.  I used to like baking and trying to cook but I always got kicked out of home economics.  I used to try out for school plays and even got parts but I got made fun of cause my slip was hanging out of my skirt once and I was playing a hill billy sister in another.  I used to have this wild fashion sense and I would stand out like a sore thumb wearing things that just weren't in and so I taught myself to dress down and wear baby T's and jeans like the rest of the girls so I could fit in.  

It took me a long time to get back to my roots and I want nothing more to see that my son never gets out of touch with his.  Even if he is only motivated to watch episodes of Magic School Bus for a week? Eeek.  Well, perhaps he just needs kindergarten and play with his friends for now.  

But in the meantime, I'm listening.  I'm aware.  I'm thinking of clearing out a few more things around here.  Maybe a few less toys would help.  Get on that New Years intention of a daily clean up schedule. Make space for him.  I see a little boy that is extremely anxious and high strung sometimes.  It's his nature and mine.  It takes practice at making space and not wanting to do everything at once.  I brought him to the craft store and literally he says to me he wants everything.  So yes, we're not ready to narrow down to one focus of study at this point and that's good.  But I'm listening and aware.  Keenly aware. And even if he stays in school and I never homeschool, his weekends and time at home with me will be an unschooling haven.

In the end, I highly recommend this book.  It supports our children when they aren't at school.  It supports our children when they are at school.  Enjoy!  XO.  S

~ oil change ~

We interrupted our regularly scheduled routine yesterday to go get the oil changed in my car.  A task that I am proud to say was not hubby harboured.  I called the car dealership and made the appointment all by myself.  I thought it would be a great day.  We had no committments so we could make a day out of doing things as we felt like it after the car was done.  We went to a couple of stores we don't normally go to in search of a new sweatshirt for Mama.  We took Georgia to the dog beach in the afternoon.  We stopped and had a hot chocolate break.  And by the end of the day I was begging for mercy.  I had never heard C say Mama? so many times.  He's off school this week.  Waldorf takes a week in the fall off for professional development and 2 weeks in the winter/spring and I have to say that those weeks off, after working so hard to fall into routines the rest of the weeks, are a recipe for insanity. 

I think that I'm strongly in a time of learning about my limitations.  Acknowledging recently that homeschooling may not be for me as dreamy as it appears and as strong as my pull is to it sometimes, this child needs a lot of socialization before he normalizes and can settle into playing alone.  And this mama, needs time to get things done.  I like my routine of dropping C off at school and taking Georgia for a long walk on the Bridgman trail and C likes school.  He's been waking up everyday wanting to go.  And so, now that the insane day of Mama's (I even asked him to just call me Suzanne at one point and he switched to Mother instead!!!  Way worse!!!) is done.  And we learned that some routine is better than no routine.  He's happily at daycare for today and I at work.  And so it goes.  XO.  S 

Good and Bad - It's All Awesome

The other day I told a very dear friend of mine that I was falling apart.  He told me softly that he was happy for me and looking forward to the new person I would become after.  Thank goodness for friends like that.  Even though I know that that is exactly what is going on, I still love having someone that is like a golden crutch that can help me along until I'm able to walk on my own again.

 

Have you ever stood in awe of how sometimes things can work out so perfectly?  It's almost like a dream come true or I couldn't have planned it better myself the way things came and went and new things literally would fall into my lap.  It's so hard to believe that all the crappy, sucky, other things that come and go are just as perfect and awesome to have happened too.  

 

My life these past few weeks is composed of exactly both of those.  Awesome perfect good things and awesome perfect bad things.  The hard part is the resistance I feel to the awesome perfect bad things, instead of just letting them unfold and take place the same way I do with the good.  Yet, they are equivalent in importance, an exact and perfect yin yang and for once I am a conscious participant.  

 

I feel exactly like a ship out at sea and in front of me is a huge, scary whirlpool and my ship is already starting to make its rounds around the whirlpool, slowly and surely making it's way down the deep vortex to a place I do not know.  I feel twinges of panic and fear like I can actually do something at this point to turn my ship around and change directions but mostly I stand at the edge and watch as each moment unfolds, not wanting to miss a single detail before the ship disappears, somehow maintaining an air of confidence, optimism and excitement about what the future holds.  Maybe this sounds completely morbid to some of you out there but to me it's not a hopeless journey that I'm on. Like a Phoenix or a caterpillar that becomes a butterfly, I'm about to spring forth as something new and I'm tasting and smelling every sensation of it on my way into that unknown place that the Phoenix and caterpillar go to before they are reborn.  

 

My wonderful friend also told me that he wishes more people were going through their stuff in the same way that I'm going through my stuff.  Completely present and aware that the stuff is happening and almost pretty much willing to let it happen and to learn from all of it.  I encourage anyone and everyone to try it instead of retreating into their heads, or their work or wherever people go when the going gets tough.  It is no easier than doing it the other way.  Normally I become a victim of circumstances and life continues to happen to me.  As I experience it now in this exact moment, it is no easier than that but by far more worth the while and as I have experienced things in this past year, every breakdown is in fact followed with breakthrough and with leaps and bounds this year life has continuously only become better and better with each awesome bad thing and awesome good thing. 

 

And of course there are tests of will as well.  For example, I finally came out and admitted that I want to have more children.  Instead of dancing around it, being overly happy for those that are expecting around me and signing up for the Postpartum Doula class which is just a superficial means to be around babies which in reality I just wish were my own, I decided to own it and admit and find out what happens next.  The test?  The child I already have.  He seems to be possessed with the spirit of Genghis Khan and nothing I can do or say can help him with his frustration and no moment of the day or night is safe from the overwhelming screaming and crying that can come from him.  I'm encouraged to say that not only did he take off the 5 day old shirt and take a bath last night but he did it all on his own.  In exchange, he of course, refused to wear anything including a diaper to bed last night and insisted on using a yoga matt as a blanket.  Hey.  It's progress.  In the middle of all this, I would gladly welcome another baby and if need be, do this all again.  I think one main reason I would is because it's completely impossible for me to have not learned from all this.  Even if I ignored Cillian and his frustrations, I still physically, mentally and emotionally would not be the same person when another one arrived and there is the impossibility of it being exactly the same.  So, I'm hopeful.  

 

And this example is just a drop in the bucket of my life right now.  I won't get into all the other little details of the tests I am experiencing just on this one topic let alone the other 'bombs' that have fallen into my lap as of late.  You will learn them from me as I learn them from myself, when the time is right.

 

Until then, I want you to have an inkling of the awesome good in my life right now and I want you to consider that this awesome good is how I'm currently trying to view the awesome bad.  I remind you that it is all the same, and really ALL GOOD.

 

I had already decided on the weekend that I needed to cut back a little in my life.  I believe I've already mentioned this to you.  I have cancelled my guitar lessons for the time being and I've been taking all the help I can get in the meantime with Fruitcakes and my home and my son until I figured out the rest.  Well, on the weekend I had made the decision that I would not take the Postpartum Doula certification at this time (3 weeks away) since it was no longer tops on my list to complete and it wouldn't currently be serving me at this time.  The alternate problem I faced in this is that that same weekend there is the Healthy Families Conference in Vancouver that I wanted to attend (and quite pricey) and also a workshop that is performer related.  I really want to go to the Healthy Families Conference if for nothing else, to sit in on the lecture with Mothering Magazine Editor and Author Peggy O'Mara but that alone was a pricey afternoon and I knew I was committed to the performers workshop, it just didn't completely appeal to me.  I decided that that was that and what I really needed was to let go and if I didn't end up doing any of those things that weekend than I wouldn't do anything and that was good too.  However, last night I had a message on my phone with the alternate 4th option that I had no idea was an option.  Nikiah from Mama Goddess called me and wanted to know if Fruitcakes would like to cater a private tea that is being sponsored by Luna Pads with special guest speaker Peggy O'Mara.  Now, I am the Queen of Procrastinating on returning phone calls and initially after the message I hesitated to call back and to 'wait for a better time'.  For literally the first time in my entire life, I couldn't hesitate for long and called back right away to confirm before they had a chance to find another.  That may sound crazy to some of you, but I'm chronically feeling unworthy and hesitant at all opportunities that fall into my lap so that little shift in calling back and owning my future, my awesomeness, my opportunity is an amazing change in my life that is a result of all the breaking down that has come before it.  

 

In any case, I'm on for the event and am thrilled that I will be listening in on an important lecture about mom's and careers from the great Peggy O'Mara.  And I'm also thrilled to woo the great Peggy O'Mara with some delectable raw vegan treats.  Perhaps there is an article in Mothering Magazine in it for me???  We'll see.  

 

Breathe.  Thank you all out there for listening today.  I hope my messages find you well, in the midst of all of your awesome goodness.  Suzanne.    

Knitty Gritty

Okay, let's get down to the knitty gritty here and give you a real blog for the day!

#1  Week One Phase One Grain Free

I never got around to taking those before shots but I do have the before shot of my hand and already a big difference after one week.  

Before

After one week

 

Already you can see that some healing has occurred and the inflammation is down.  Another observation that I've made is that I have not had a single breakout on my face in the past week since I started and the previous acne that I did have has also gone down and started healing. That's the good news.  Bad news is I had a couple of minor, unintentional slips with the grains that we did eliminate.  Since corn isn't an obvious grain that comes to mind, I wasn't suspecting some 'innocent' M&M's at the movies the other night but of course, it's full of corn syrup and right up there with the reason for wanting to come off of corn products.  I thought I was on top of things by not ordering the popcorn (and really popcorn, in the real world is definitely a healthier choice than M&M's) but alas I was foiled and it showed.  The following day, little blisters popped up on my hand right around the rashy area.  The other slip is one that everyone usually needs a reminder of and that is soy sauce.  I had been meaning to get us some wheat free soy sauce so that we could still enjoy the brown rice sushi but it slipped my mind again and we went and ordered the brown rice version but still had some soy with it. Like I've said before this is all a learning process.  I'm feeling pretty new at this all over again although I've probably eliminated various foods from my diet several times over my lifetime.  

 

Overall, a great start to the first of many challenging steps in the journey to be raw.

 

#2 TV

I think I've occasionally mentioned a small battle that has been going on in our house in regards to TV. First off, I had big expectations that my son would not be raised on TV the way I had been raised on TV.  However, having that expectation and having the experience, time and motivation to fill the gap of no TV watching can prove to be very difficult.  Well, when it comes down to it, there are many other unnatural things than having a child watch TV and that includes having a husband that works 16 or more hours a day; not having any extended family in the immediate area to help raise my son and trying to maintain careers and entrepreneur work in which it is inappropriate to allow children to be involved in the process.  Adam and Eve might have had their problems but I'm positive that none of these were included in them.  So, as I have it, I've been selective as possible in choosing films for my son to watch and that's the best that I can do at this moment, only with the future possibility of it improving to meet any standards I still have.

 

Bottom line, it's really challenging to just parent a different way than you were parented.  I would love to be doing arts and crafts and nature hikes and stuff like that all the time but I have absolutely no experience in those domains.  However, the Universe is definitely doing it's part to push me into those newer domains.  Cillian put a key into the VCR slot of our TV today (2 in 1) and bam, TV doesn't even turn on anymore!  Thanks Universe, a little bump in a new direction.  Rather than let Cillian do something drastic to our computer as well, I'll most definitely be finding some projects and other activities to take TV's place but my goal is to start small, perhaps one project a week is a great place to start (remind me that I have awesome tips on goal setting if you are ever interested???).  

 

On another note about TV, I found this in my email from Jinjee this morning on the topic with her son.

 

"I'm noticing that when my four year old watches TV he starts acting really crazy. I think that he has too much energy to be able to watch TV. It collects in his body and then when the TV is turned off, he starts screaming and running around like a madman, and acting violent. Maybe he's trying to burn off all that energy that collected in his body while he sat and did nothing but stare at the TV box for an hour. Maybe if I fed him something cooked it would take some of that energy away! But little four year old raw boys and TV don't mix!"

My observation on this is that I actually also get a similar reaction from Cillian after anything more than a 1/2 hour of TV and he's not 100% raw.  Personally I even notice it in myself if I've been in front of the computer for too long, I find myself irritable and unable to focus after.  I guess it's another reason for me to get us up and out, and with the beautiful weather lately, it's practically impossible to want to watch TV anyway.  Still.... I need to get down to the knitty gritty on that one too.

#3 It has begun.

Not that something new isn't always happening with children, I guess this is one that I've kind of anticipated, especially with an intense boy that is just dying to assert his own power and control in the world. We are officially on Day 5 for Cillian wearing day and night, refusing to take off, his new favourite shirt from Grandma.  I heard the best advice from someone yesterday that is a healer with animals (and practically everything she said I could transfer to children):  When working with animals you can't have any ego.  I've slowly been letting my ego go as much as I can possibly tolerate at any given time and there is always more to let go.  Cillian is also on week 3 of not having any baths and did I mention he had a stomach bug last week? I'm pretty sure we are going to start hitting the pool once a week for a while if for no other reason than a little sterilization.  

To sum this last bit up, I just keep reminding myself of the unrepressed person that my son will be someday through all of this hellaballoo because when it comes down to it, it's not really about the shirt.  Let go, let go, let go, let go.  I hope you have a great day!  Cheers, Suzanne. 

Got carrot juice?  

  
  

Just a Reminder

1. It takes a child 999 times to learn something new.  Cut them and yourself a break.
2. When things don't feel quite right or just, ask yourself what it is that you need to learn from this. 
3. The Yaletown Baby and Toddler Show is on Saturday.
4. Don't forget to pick up my mom tomorrow night from the airport.  (That one is especially just for me!)  

 

Love Suzanne 

 

Give and Take (9 Days Until Birth Fest)

Today Cillian and I visited Westside Family Place to ensure that the house remained quiet for a good chunk of time while Jeff slept off the night shift (he got in at 8 am this morning).  

Lately I have mixed emotions about Family Place.  When we first moved into this neighbourhood it was my salvation.  Cillian and I were there every day plus twice on Monday's and sometimes Wednesday's for Mother Goose and the extra afternoon play time.  Having come from the feeling of exclusion and isolation just being in Burnaby before we moved to Kitsilano, it was a big deal to be connected to moms and children on a more regular basis.  I was only just coming to terms with Raising a Spirited Child and with the help of the ladies at Family Place and the frequent visits I became more confident as a mother.  Things have of course changed a lot since then.

 

Today there was a woman there that looked like she had committed a crime and her punishment had been to complete so many hours of community service, specifically to sit through circle time.  On the other hand, right next to us was a father of a 3 month old girl and a 3 year old boy that said everything (and I mean everything and more than necessary) to his children in a cute little voice.  He repeated everything the leader of the circle said plus more descriptions of the songs with the enthusiasm that his son was lacking in fact, that boy did not crack a smile or frown the entire 1/2 hour, he just stared in fascination at the leader while his father chatted and moved him into all the required positions that the songs required including sleeping like a bunny and jumping like a bunny.  His eyes nor expression did not waver.  

 

There are other frequenters of Family Place that also are similar experiences to me.  There is an older dad that follows his daughter everywhere, explains every toy and does it all with a cute little voice. For him everything comes out a question.  And the daughter looks like sometimes she might turn around and just slug the dad to get him to back off.  There's also a nanny that comes in and says everything in a cartoon voice and adds 'y' to the end of a lot of words.  

 

I could probably come up with a million more little pet peeves that I have at the drop in centre and when it comes down to it, it has nothing to do with these people and what they do.  The problem is mine, not theirs.  My problem as of late is that it's begun to feel very unnatural sitting and watching my son play.  It feels like we are in a game of extreme give and take where we are either involved in something that completely caters to him and I'm on the sidelines or when it's my turn to take there is a huge battle to be fought to just get some of my grown up responsibilities done in one go, start to finish, no detours.  

 

I feel that all of this, from beginning to end, from the very first day and before we ever arrived at Family Place to the present is all connected to a similar source.  I believe the source is the lack of the village it takes to raise a child.  

 

Ideally, I see the give and take like this.  I have my grown up responsibilities and my son is allowed to come and go and be involved in them as he pleases.  He's never forced to learn to do something because eventually they all learn it anyway.  I'm not forced to sit and watch them play unless I'm motivated to because I'm given all the support I need to raise my child from other moms in the village, I'm not alone for days at a time doing it all by myself, dying for a breather.  When my son does come and require my attention I'm not phased or inconvenienced in any way by putting down my work and am able to give him the full attention that he requires.  My son in turn doesn't cry a lot or have tantrums because his needs are always met without question or social policies of parenting getting in the way (you're spoiling him, he won't be independent, etc).  

 

Of course I can't possibly fathom how far we actually are from my give and take utopia.  My give and take, comes and goes.  Some days I'm full on in the throws of parenting exactly as I had hoped.  I'm right there and completely present for everything he needs and he does come and go with baking and cleaning and helping around the house and we are both in sync with all our needs met.  And other days I'm mildly disappointed for 'slacking' and letting the TV babysit him, just so I could get some stuff done and it's noon and he's still in his PJ's watching The Wizard of Oz for the third time (it only happened once!)

 

Right from the beginning when Cillian was about 6 or so weeks old and Jeff went back to work for the first time (and for us Jeff working means we don't see him for a couple of days - at least back then it was) and by the end of that first day I was on my cell, melting down in tears to Jeff because I couldn't make myself something to eat or even go to the bathroom without Cillian melting down into tears because I put him down.  It's always felt unnatural.  

 

I read this amazing article by Jean Leidloff (author of The Continuum Concept) on Child Centered Parenting.  It makes me want to pack up my kid and husband and move to a commune I tell ya!  Mind you, sometimes going to Family Place makes me want to run off and join a commune too.  

 

I would love to create a new Family Place.  Where everyone meets in a large, central, outdoor or natural setting.  There is nothing but nature to play with and the kids are so free in their imaginations, completely untouched by the formula's of TV and film that they can turn any stick or stone into anything their heart desires and play together endlessly.  The parents bring their passions or their work. Maybe we peel potatoes or maybe we get some mending done.  The kids come and go.  The parents also come and go.  There's potluck, of course!  And we meet everyday.  I take care of other kids as other parents take care of my kids.  The kids learn all kinds of different crafts that I'm not skilled in. Everyone's needs are met.  It's not totally perfect.  It's not exactly what I want to be doing but it would be such a great start and place for everyone to be.  And of course, nothing is perfect, not even the villages all over the world that already practice all of this.  Hey, like a I said though, give and take. Suzanne