Enchanted Chameleon

Master of the Weekend

I'm not sure that I'll have much time to write this weekend as I am volunteering as an assistant for the Performer's Mastery workshop.  Two and half intense days of releasing creative, personal, emotional, physical blocks in 17 peoples lives (plus those facilitating cause who knows when more change can happen) and I get to be a part of it.  I have a few goals set for myself, to challenge myself and to get out of any old habits that aren't serving me anymore.  I took the workshop myself a year ago and can really only confirm now that a year has passed how amazing the results are.  I'm sure those of you that know me and know what I've been up to in the past year can attest that nothing but good (even good disguised as bad) keeps coming my way and I'm handling things in a way that I had set out to.  It's a great reward to see change and the results.  I recommend the class to any and all performers and if you aren't but are looking for intensive change and removal of personal roadblocks, there is a non performer's class (just took place last weekend - but ongoing).  

 

Before I leave though and quite possibly return a brand new woman (again - yay!) I just had to let you know that I had a great morning.  I got my hair done and the boys took off to Granville Island to hang with some friends first thing.  I had time to go thrifting after and then the icing on the cake - come home to an empty, peaceful space to prepare myself for the big weekend, to get a few last minute things done and to make some smoothie (and a latte).  I can't not stop and appreciate the beauty of solitude and a quiet space in contrast to our usual hubbub household.  And then after this weekend I'll be desperate for Cillian time.  How perfect is that.  Cheers.  Have a great weekend.  Suzanne

 

Before

After

(I love both these looks!  It's not often that I roll out of bed with such a cute do.  On the flip side, I never take time to make my hair sleek.  Two awesome looks in one day.  Yay!)

Follow the Feeling

A few nights ago at my acting class we did an exercise that I've heard about but had never done.  It's called follow the feeling.  Basically for a couple of minutes each individual will stand in front of the group and tell us what they feel, tell us the physical action their body is doing, make sounds that describe that feeling or act out the feeling with our bodies, all of the above to the extreme.  If you are doing it correctly you will definitely go from one feeling or action to another and so on.  You must continue to speak and to not describe the feeling just focus on the feeling and experiencing it.  For example, I feel anxious, I feel anxious, I feel anxious, I feel crazy, I feel hysterical, I feel laughter, I feel laughter, I feel exhaustion, I feel calm, I feel swaying, I feel rocking, etc.  If you use the word like to describe the feeling then you are doing it wrong.  Overall it was an excellent exercise and I have to admit that in the past few weeks of class I'm embracing all the exercises and all my rehearsal times instead of shying away.  

Yesterday I literally continued on following the feeling all day but in a broader, life sense.  I allowed myself to just do whatever it was that inspired me and it did always in fact change, as long as I continued to be completely committed to whatever it was that I was doing.  I had to have my shower first before I started my day, I was completely inspired to knit after watching a cute video on youtube and eventually I had to work on my business plan for the juice bar.  That was an exciting inspiration that I'm glad came on its own accord.  I now have 4 pages complete and am that much closer to the application process and opening my juice bar.  

 

I basically did my darndest to follow the feeling all the way until this very moment and I'm pleased to have come up with the another inspiration and that is to let go of the things that are not serving me. There was an absolute shift in my thinking pattern today and I went directly from an old habit into a new one that I've been trying to master for a while now.  I went from playing the victim in a situation to letting go of that victimization and letting go of my attachment to an outcome.  I decided to just let the Universe take care of my concern and continue to move forward in my journey and to embrace all the things I do have going on.  I also feel extremely optimistic that my concern will work out exactly as I want it to in the end.  Barely scratching the surface of drama, barely a blip that I was even working something out in a new way.  I guess you could say that... I feel amazed, I feel amazed, I feel amazed, I feel amazing, I feel amazing, I feel happy, I feel happy, I feel happy, I feel joyous, I feel joyous, I feel joyous, I feel peaceful, I feel peaceful, I feel peaceful, I feel serenity, I feel serenity, I feel serenity.  I feel Suzanne.

Blame it on the Rain

I'm not feeling super inspired to write today.  I'm a little bit anxious and a little bit tired.  I finished sewing my sign for Birth Fest last night.  We put an offer in on a house yesterday and are waiting to hear a response (the owners met with their realtor about an hour ago).  And I have acting class tonight and it appears that I was the last to sort out my scene partner and our scene, but it only came to me at about 2 am this morning the perfect scene for us to do, so I guess it's best that I waited till the end to sort it out (I'm strongly thinking Joe and Harper from Angels in America but I do have to wait and scene what my partner says).

 

I had my nap today.  I was still a little tired after.  I received my Daily Raw Inspiration from Jinjee today and it had her own recipes for green smoothies and I think I might give one a try.  She mentioned the amazing energy boost that she gets from them and so I decided it wouldn't hurt to put it too the test.  We hadn't made our smoothies for the day so after our nap when both Cillian and I were dragging our butts around, I figured now is the time for an 'energizing' green smoothie.  We had our regular spinach and bananas and.... it actually worked.  I'm not sure why this surprised me but it did.  And it was a nice surprise.  I get to write now and finish a few bits of unfinished business before I make dinner and go to class tonight. 

 

It appears though that I'm not the only one uninspired today.  I received my first blog from Sunny Raw Kitchen in a while and she's feeling it too but overall not just today.  I have to say that I'm always a little/lot disappointed to hear that an amazing raw foodists is "adding a little cooked back into their diet".  You'd think that I'd be sympathetic and I am, I get it, it's a hard and challenging lifestyle but I so badly want those people that inspire me to be perfect and to keep proving to me that the raw lifestyle is worth it above and beyond.  But then, maybe I don't want my mentors to be perfect.  It might make my imperfections a little easier to accept.  

 

Oh!  I just looked at the clock and I have to make dinner quick before I go to class!!!  Talk soon. Suzanne  

 

PS I wanted to take a photo of the boys outside holding up the finished sign but it's raining.  Maybe tomorrow.

My Personal Shopping Bag

Yesterday I was just leaving the house when I remembered that I had forgotten our reusable shopping bags. I quickly ran back in and grabbed them. In the process of retrieving them I realized that I'm much better at remembering them these days, in fact I usually never make it past the yard or the car port without realizing that I've forgotten on the rare occasions that I do forget them. I even thought, "Wow, I've actually saved a lot of bags doing this. Yay me!" 

And then I thought, "Wow, for someone that is exceptionally hard on themselves, I have a pretty great attitude about forgetting my reusable shopping bag." 

Stop. Rewind. 

And then I thought, "Wow, for someone that is exceptionally hard on themselves, I have a pretty great attitude about forgetting my reusable shopping bag." 

I wish that this could be transferable to my raw journey or even into my parenting because there is a whole lot of backtalk when I make raw or parenting slip ups. A whole lot of "I'll never get this", "Maybe I should just give up", "I wish I was someone else that wanted something completely different", etc, etc. 

This past week, I've found that when it comes to parenting Cillian for some reason I've been really angry. Suddenly, I'm just freaking mad even though Cillian is pretty much doing the same stuff some of it in new 2 year old ways, he's still the same kid and I'm still the same parent. What's different? It occurred to me a couple of days ago that since I watched a parenting lecture on DVD on the weekend, I wasn't able to just instantaneously assimilate all the new parenting practices that I would love to incorporate and I actually have a newer point of view on children's behaviour and because I can't just turn off the parenting I've been practicing, just like it's a huge challenge to go 100% raw, I'm mad at myself for not making the change and I'm mad at Cillian because he continues to do things that require my reaction, new or old. 

Fortunately, it was Thursday and we went to yoga and in the safe comfortable area with other moms, today I was the mom that was living it on the forefront, that THING that all moms go through at one point or another. And fortunately, I was able to be heard and understood for our little check in at the beginning which lightened my load for the class and I was able to enjoy Cillian blowing raspberries on my belly while I was stuck in a position that left my belly exposed and vulnerable. 

Regardless, I wish that I could put parenting and raw foods on the same level as personal shopping bags BUT at least now, I have a new point of reference for letting go. I RELEASE, LOOSE AND LET GO!!!! There's always going to be things that are really important to me, I'm just glad that I'm awake and sound for most of these little lessons that come along, to teach me, specifically in this case, that life is the process and not the end result. Cheers. Suzanne

PS - A little treat (maybe more for me than you):

www.suzanneserwatuk.com

Day 23 - The Raw Truth

Hey Peeps. I'm stuck in my head and am in need of a large neurotic dump (if you will - unrelated to raw) so if you don't mind here's the raw truth, scratching my brain about being an actor.

I had an audition this morning. I went to the studio that I paid for to tape 2 scenes from the TV series Sophie for an upcoming recurring character called Nora. I look great, I look the part, I've worked as much as possible all weekend rehearsing, making notes, asking questions about the characters wants, intentions etc and even met with the fabulous Linda Darlow for a coaching session (also paid for). I did 4 takes of the first scene and 8 takes of the second scene, I went with take #1 of the first and #5 of the second. There were great moments in all of them, unfortunately I was never able to get all those moments into just one scene so within an hour of returning home from the audition that I felt pretty good about, the neurotic voice in my head (which reminds me just now, Marita said not to listen to that voice, the real me is the listener - d'oh!) and I was looking in need of a fix to numb the vulnerable, I'll never make it in this town feeling instead of JUST FEELING IT. Cillian and I distracted ourselves with a walk to the library to return a book but on the way, but the smells of Cupcakes, Cobs and the Indian restaurant were starting to get to me. We returned straight from the library, hopped in the car and drove to Gorilla Foods where I ate the RAW!!! fettucine alfredo, a salad, a smoothie and a piece of pie. I know that I still avoided the feelings, but I acknowledge that, I was completely aware of my intentions and instead of using cooked food I used raw, now next time I'll take it a step further and make my way through it all without the food. So here I am. I feel crippled. Every audition is crippling to me. I think the neuroses kicked in when my agent still wanted to watch the tape before we sent it, suddenly I just needed to know what she thought of it, my opinion and feelings no longer were good enough and I'm still waiting to hear back (ugh I just went and checked the website for an email and a Sophie poster popped up!!! - yes Universe I'm stuck in a moment and can't get out!) 

Here's some random junk (maybe this will detox my brain a little). I know I could be more proactive as an actor but money is a challenge and so is being a mom. I have a lot of ideas of how to be proactive: playreading potluck series, start my own theatre company, put more stuff on tape, continue to build my demo reel, attend improv, etc but again let me reiterate money and baby = challenge. I feel completely responsible and to blame for the lack of success yet at the same time, how much can I beat myself up? I feel at times, I'm in the exact right place in my life learning the exact right things at exact right moments but then other times I feel like a total failure. I wish the Universe or Zeus would hit me with the thunderbolt that sends me into the right orbit that I'm supposed to live in and then I worry that I missed the message already, I was too busy analyzing my last audition now I'm in the wrong career and not nearly as happy as I should be, as I'm entitled to be. But then, the thought of turning my back on this hurts so much and gives me so much disappointment, I stay and persevere as others have - Kevin Costner, George Clooney, etc. I recently had the good fortune to watch an interview that is no longer available anywhere to be seen with Dame Judy Dench. She was so insecure, she always watched her work and thought she could have done it better and she always stayed close to the door in any big room of people so that she could make a quick exit. Ah. I'm in very good company when I look at it from her perspective. 

So let me share with you some acting secrets of mine. I would love love love to be a member of the Steppenwolf Theatre Ensemble in Chicago. I would love to just be a part of any theatre company right now, and be surrounded with similar love and passion that I also have to offer. I would love love love to be on a TV series like Friends or Sex in the City. I love the best friends dynamic and would love to play it out like those shows. I love love love Shakespeare. I have since we started reading it in high school. I love the language and making sense out of it and making it sound as common as english is spoken today. I love love love going to the movies. I love being swept away in another world. The most recent movie that did that was The Other Boelyn Girl. I was obsessed for days and couldn't stop thinking and playing it over in my head. To be a part of something like that would be absolutely amazing. I want to walk a red carpet. I want to be interviewed by Oprah (and tell her all about raw foods) and I want to find a place in this world that is all my own, a niche that when people think of something great in the acting world they say: oh yeah, Suzanne, the same way I say that about Anthony Hopkins and Cate Blanchett. 

When I get to that last part, the Anthony and Cate part that's when things come full circle and I realize I still have so much further I can go, more work to explore, more to learn and what I have right now is just the beginning potential that both of those actors have. I don't want to be one of those actors that I think is undeserving, or more looks than talent. Did you know that once, I was in scene study class and I was performing a scene from The Woolgatherer and afterwards a girl in my class told me that that had been literally the best performance she had ever seen in her life. I didn't even think that she liked me. I've made people laugh and I've made people cry and I've also inspired at least one for sure. I would say that neurotic people shouldn't be in this business but then it probably wouldn't be much of a business since from what I hear WE'RE ALL LIKE THIS! 

Anyway. That's that. I'm lacking some faith, so I need to work on that. A nice, juicy, pay the rent acting role wouldn't hurt but... but.... I still won't quit if that doesn't come until later rather than sooner. Either I'm a glutton for punishment or I really do genuinely love what I do when I really get to do it. Hmmm, I think I'm also lacking a little (lot) of love for myself. It makes me think that my acting isn't the problem, it's me and my silly voice. I'm gonna jump up there and kick it's ass. Ha! That made me laugh a little. So I've filled this room with enough carbon dioxide to kill the next person who walks in so I'm gonna take a breather, compose, decompress, maybe read, take a bath, soak and focus on what I can do for myself, instead of waiting for others to come and do it for me. Good place to start. Have a good day. Thanks for listening. Suzanne

Oh I forgot to mention I started sprouting some spelt last night. I'll take you through the process and see how it goes - in the end hopefully I'll have Zucchini Spelt Flatbread for my trip to TO.