For the first time in 10 days I have the house completely to myself. It might be for an hour maybe more. Time to make things count.
For 10 days now, I've been sick. I never used to get sick like this when I was a child but as an adult when I get sick like this, it always means more than just catching a virus. It means I've hit a brick wall, my stress, my busyness, my chaos has caught up with me and with no where else to go my body takes over, shuts down, initiates sick mode and I'm done. Can't do anything anymore except lie in bed and sleep it off.
I'm sad to learn that I wasn't in control of my life 11 days ago. I was sure that there wasn't anything I couldn't figure my way out (again). The Juice Caboose was pumping and that was really my main priority for this summer so everything else that I had lost sight of in the past few months leading up to 10 days ago started to crumble. Literally my empire fell. My childcare situation was chaotic, I'm working myself silly to keep up and above all the bills, I'm tired and my son's behaviour has gone from Doctor Jekyll to Mr Hyde. I look back and have no idea when I could have stepped in to slow down. I look back and can't really see any warning signs that this is the direction I was headed. I look back and get overwhelmed all over again. What have I been doing at such a pace?
I really want to post to you that I'm am efficient, brilliant and a completely competent business owner. The truth is I am all those things, I'm just not a master of balancing all of those things. So I've hit rock bottom. I didn't think I had one. Turns out this rock bottom isn't what I would have expected hence why I missed the signs. My rock bottom is chaos and I'm in charge of the quarry.
I would love to report that life is a bowl of cherries but the truth is it's not. But it's at least "the bowl of cherries is half full" type of scenario. I'm optimistic. Somehow. In between blowing my nose for the millionth time in a day and answering the millionth question of the day from my son, I know there's a way out of this. The answer to me is simply, less is more. How to apply that is still eluding me. I'm kicking back with my one hour of solitude for the first time in 10 days in hopes of clearing enough space in my mucus filled brain to let my soul find the answers.
Yup. This is a yucky situation and I don't mean what's been coming out of me. Worse. I deserve a peaceful exixtence. I'm not a victim unless I let myself be one. I can't control everything or anything for that matter including my son so maybe it's time to let go and let a higher power do it's work. I'm in this situation because of who I am and that's a good thing. Many people don't have the courage to take on what I do because they are scared of the unknown. I go where it's uncomfortable and I stretch outside my experience and there's no doubt in my mind that this place where I am right now, out of control and in chaos is the exact place that keeps people from following dreams and following their heart. I'm here to say it does indeed suck, to follow your dreams from time to time. Most of the time no. It's definitely what you make of it and if you have an open mind and heart, you'll be able to learn from the difficult mistakes and wrong choices that you make along the way. I know because even though this rock bottom feels like the worst one ever, it isn't the first rock bottom I've hit in order to make change for the better. And it always does get better. And of course, I go in new directions and new experiences, and yes I risk making more mistakes and hitting new rock bottoms, I still continue to learn and move through. Because life is a process and presently I'm processing. And that's a good thing.
So no, life's no bowl of cherries, at least not mine, but it is a half full bowl of cherries, and well, I love cherries. XO. S
